Glad we didn't ask Pein
by misstresssasori
Summary: Tobi has a questain and Deidara has a plan. how can one little questain start so many problums?
1. the Question

A/N: Plot bunny's fault.

Day one.

Sasori and Zetsu were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. The best friends had coffee together every morning before they left to train there partners.

"Hey Zetsu-san?" Sasori muttered. Zetsu looked up from his coffee cup. "Hai?" Sasori sighed, "Is it against the rules to kill your partner?" Zetsu laughed. "Yes it is." "Damn."

2 minuets earlier,

Deidara had been listening to AC/DC on his IPod nano, ('cause he blew up his IPod touch.) when Hiden yelled out, "Holy fucking hell, how can you not fucking know what sex is?" "What is sex, Hiden-sempi?" Tobi asked. Hiden turned to Deidara and ordered, "Tell this fucking shit head what sex is." Deidara frowned. "But Hiden I don't know what sex is ether." Hiden stared at him. "What the fuck?" Deidara smiled. "I killed my parents before they gave me the birds and bees." Itachi and Kisame turned away from the TV they had been watching. "Then what do you do when you have an erection?" Kisame asked. Tobi and Deidara turned to him and asked together, "What's that?" Hiden promptly fainted and Kisame soon followed. Itachi blushed. "Go ask Sasori and Zetsu, there still having coffee."

Back in the kitchen,

Both Sasori and Zetsu had just taken sips of coffee when Deidara and Tobi barged in. "Danna, Un. We have a question." Deidara whined. "Sasori-san, Zetsu-san, what is sex?" Tobi demanded. Both Zetsu and Sasori spat there coffee on to the kitchen table. 'I'm not cleaning that up.' Koan thought as she walked by on her way to Peins office.

Deidara blushed and muttered, "I knew we should have asked Pein-sama." Zetsu broke into a hysterics at the thought of Peins face. Sasori lurched to his feet and dragged Deidara out of the kitchen with him, calling over his shoulder, "I'll leave Tobi to you, Zetsu."


	2. the Action

**A/N: Yaoi warning… any homophobes might want to leave soon… Lemon coming to.**

Deidaras trauma.

Sasori let Deidara go when they reached there bedroom. Closing the door he turned to Deidara. "You've never had the birds and bees?" "Nope, Danna. Never, Un." Sasori sighed and stat down to explain sex to Deidara.

Tobis trauma.

After Zetsu explained everything to him, Tobi still didn't get it so he asked Zetsu to show him. Tobi still didn't under stand why Zetsu had smiled like that. After Zetsu pulled his now coated fingers out of Tobis mouth Tobi frowned. "This makes no sense Zetsu-san argh!" Zetsu wiggled his fingers and switched them with his cock. "That's not supposed to go there, Zetsu-san!"

Sasori will regret.

"Then why do people have sex, Un. It doesn't sound like fun." Deidara questioned. Sasori hit his head on the wall. "Because orgasms feel great, brat." Deidara knew he'd regret this latter but he had always wanted his Danna since he had seen Sasoris real body. Pressing against his Dannas body he murmured, "Then why don't you show me _Danna_." Sasori smirked. "That's what I plan to do _brat_." Sasori then pushed Deidara down and "helped" him out of him cloths "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this." He warned. Deidara grinned up at Sasori, "Yeah, well I've dreamed of this, Un." Sasori smirked at Deidara, "Deidei-kun, I'm gunna fuck you so hard you can't walk anymore." Deidara smiled, then he started stripping Sasori. After he'd pulled off Sasoris top and pants Deidara started licking down Sasoris tummy till he reached Sasoris boxers. "I have a idea Danna." Sasori smiled. "I dare you, Brat." Deidara pulled Sasoris boxers off and slid Sasoris cock into his mouth. "Mmmm, Un." Sasori mounded. "Ohh god, Brat don't stop!" Soon Sasori came in Deidaras mouth. "Yummy, Danna tastes like strawberries!" Sasori pulled Deidara underneath him and shoved three fingers in Deidaras mouth. Deidara coated the fingers till Sasori took them away. Sliding the first finger in Sasori kissed Deidara to distract him before sliding the other two in and stretching Deidara. "Owww, Danna it hurts." Sasori licked Deidaras tears away. "Shhh, Not for long." Removing his fingers Sasori slid his cock inside Deidaras heat. "your so tight, Deidara." Deidara whimpered, "It hurts Danna." Then Sasori hit a bundle of nerves in side of Deidara. "Ahhh, more Danna, more! " Sasori started to thrust harder in to his blond uke. He was going to come soon but didn't want to come before Deidara. Sliding his hand across Deidaras thigh and started to pump his member in time to his trusts. A few more minuets and Deidara came over there stomachs. "Danna!" With a few more thrusts Sasori fallowed Deidara into a climax. Sasori looked at Deidara. "You already knew what sex is, Brat." Deidara smirked. "Yeah, Un. I just wanted you to fuck me, Hmmm." Sasori nibbled on Deidaras neck. "You could have just asked brat." Deidara pouted, "Yeah, but where the fun in that? Un."


	3. the Results

A/N: And a twist in the plot! Don't sue me; I thought it could be possible. Read on to under stand what I'm saying. *Doges tomato's from other readers.*

To shock the men.

Some of the Akasuki where in the living room watching TV when Tobi ran in crying. Koan jumped out of Peins lap (what was she doing in there?) and yelled, "Tobi?" What's wrong, Tell mommy now." To which Hiden yelled, "Holy Shit Koans a Mother? What the fuck is fucking going on in this shit hole?"Koan smacked Hiden on the head. "No swearing in front of my baby."

All the while Tobi was sobbing about Zetsu and fingers and things not going in there right places. "Koan- Kai- Sama, What dose it mean when someone…WHISPER… and then they put there…WHISPER… in my…WHISPER…?" Koans face drained of all color. "Zetsu did what?" Koan picked up a butcher knife and ran out of the room after Zetsu.

After the award silence Itachi suddenly asked "Where'd Koan get that knife?" Neji popped up from some where and declared "It must be fate!" and disappeared in time to avoid the numtrous sharp objects being thrown at him. Kisame muttered something about speedy little ninjas then asked, "Who was that?" Itachi was going to answer when Zetsu ran in. He looked like someone had run him over with a lawn mower then tried to turn him into veggie soup.

"What did you do to Tobi?" Pein asked. Zetsu smirked, "It's not rape if you like it." Hiden fainted, Kisame threw up, Pein went brain dead, and Itachi just said, "Hn." Then a cruel female voice called, "Oh were, oh were, has Zetsu gone? Oh were, oh were, could he be?" Zetsu sank into the ground. Koan ran past the room several times in the next hour. She finally gave up and consented that Zetsu could live so long as Tobi was okay. Which he was… but he always slept in Zetsus room after that…

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There will be an epilogue. When I'm done typing it…


	4. Thin Walls

Three months later.

No more Dango for Deidara.

Deidara was sitting at the breakfast table watching Itachi eat the last of the Dango. Koan was getting more from the pantry but shed been gone for five minuets already. Deidara was perplexed. Rather than just eating the dango Itachi was sliding it in and out of his mouth and sucking on it. Koan came in and started cooking Deidara dango when Kisame grabbed Itachi and pulled him away muttering something about important stuff that can't wait. Sadly for Kisame the shark nin was wearing skin tight pants that made his hard on painfully visable. Deidara got an idea. Sasori had been gone on a three month mission and had gotten back late yesterday night. Deidara was desperate for sex and even if he had to drug Sasori he was going to get put the now cooked dango in front of Deidara just as Sasori sat down. Deidara decided to copy Itachi and turn his Danna on by suggestively eating the dango.

Picking up the first stick he stuck the first ball in his mouth and sucked on it. After a while Deidara licked the second ball as he would his Danna's cock. After eating the third and fourth balls in similar fashions he switched to the second stick. Sasori lasted four sticks of dango before he pulled Deidara in to there bedroom.

Shoving Deidara back on the bed Sasori snarled, "What the hell was that?" Deidara looked at him innocently. "You haven't fucked me three months, Danna. Un." Deidara smiled impishly. "One way or another I'm gunna get laid by you today, Hmmm." Sasori smiled sadistically and Deidara only had time to think that this might not have been a wise idea before he was pounced on.

LEMON ALERT (all people under 18 don't get caught reading this ;D)

YAOI and SHONAN AI ahead YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Sasori pulled Deidara's cloths of and tossed them away before striping himself down to his boxers. Pulling Dei in to a kiss he nibbled Deidara's bottom lip begging for permission. Dei opened his mouth and they started a battle for power that Sasori won. Shoving Deidara back Sasori slid his mouth around Dei's member. He slowly slid his tongue around the base before humming and sucking hard. "More, Danna! Un." Sasori sucked harder and bobbed his head up and down. Deidara groaned 'So close!' Throwing his head back and yelling out Sasori's name Dei came. Opening his eyes to Sasori's sadistic smirk Dei whimpered. 'Oh Shit!' "Now, Dei." Sasori cooed, "We can do this two ways. You suck me then I fuck you-" Deidara wouldn't have argued but Sasori was telling him what to do and Dei hated obeying orders. "And if I won't, Un?" "Then we do this raw and that pretty little ass of yours gets all torn up."

Sliding his eyes down Sasori's body to his dick Dei whimpered. Sasori was HUGE and wide to. How the hell had that even fit in him the first time? Deidara slid his tongue around Sasori's member and sucked on the head. Sasori groaned, Deidara was so skilled at this. Deidara slid more of his Danna in to his mouth and started sucking harder. Sasori started to moan faster and Deidara took it as a good thing. Putting all of Sasori's cock in his mouth, Deidara started to hum. The vibrations sent Sasori over the edge. "Dei…" Deidara swallowed Sasori's cum. "Danna still tastes like strawberries. Ku, ku, ku."(1) Sasori watched as Dei licked the come of his chin. Flipping Deidara over he thrust in to his uke. "Danna, not so hard!" Sasori stopped moving to let the blond get used to his size. Soon Deidara started moving. Thrusting in to Deidara, Sasori bit his lover's neck. Leaving behind a blossoming bruise. Deidara writhed beneath Sasori as Sasori sped up the tempo and began to pump Dei's member in time with his thrusts.

Deidara wasn't able to hold on any longer and came all over Sasori's and his stomachs. Sasori came after a few more erratic thrust, crying Deidara's name.

**The next morning.**

Sasori and Deidara walked in to the kitchen and sat down side by side. The rest of the akasuki where already there. Itachi had bags under his eyes. Deidara looked at him worriedly. "Itach0kun, are you okay? You look like you didn't sleep all night Un." Itachi glared at him. "Why is it that from my room, witch is at the opposite end of the base from yours, I can still here you two going at it all night long?"

"Maybe we were a bit more volcal then I thought… Yeah."

Misstersssaori: And so… that ends the story…

Deidara: don't you owe kibaskitty1234 from YouTube that story?

Misstresssaori: I'm working on it… it'll be typed out in a week or so.

Deidara: what took you so long?

Misstresssasori: Sasori, come shut Deidara up!

Sasori: *Kisses Deidara*

Deidara: *Faints*

Sasori: Don't you have a note to explain?

Misstresssasori: what? oh, wait a minute… yeah!

Misstresssasori: **(1) **Ku, ku, ku is often used in manga's to mean sadistic or cruel laughter . . . Don't ask why I put it there it just seemed fitting . . .


End file.
